Black Love: Season 3, Episode 4 "Mountains & Molehills"

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“Mountains & Molehills” focuses on issues with communication that can come up in a marriage. Especially when personalities conflict and one, or both, are evolving.

Network
OWN
Director(s)		Codie Elaine Oliver
Writer(s)		N/A
Air Date		8/31/2019
Introduced This Episode
Himself	Kathy Drayton
Herself	Luther Freeman

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Recap

Seek Discussion, Not An Argument: Ricky, Amy, David, Tamela, Kandi, Todd

One of the big things pushed this episode is communication. With one of the topics being expressing your hurt, pain, but realizing the other person isn’t against you. As Amy says, when it comes to her and Ricky, sometimes you have to put the relationship aside and talk to your friend. Because it’s the relationship, and the expectations sometimes which are causing an issue or egos to get involved. So remember what led to these additional titles in the first place.

But, another thing brought up is don’t hold in your anger or expectations and let it build up until there is a need or feeling something drastic needs to happen. Take David and Tamela. While happy, joyful, often silly, they go through stuff. Both are passionate people. However, Tamela isn’t necessarily someone who talks unless she feels the need to, unlike David. This, naturally, caused a moment where she called him an N-word, they got into a tiff, and she tried to leave. Now, could that have been avoided? Maybe. We can only assume based on what is told. However, the point seems to be, it is better handle the little things before they eventually feel like a heavy load.

Bringing Kandi and Todd into the equation, with them, we get a follow up to what was talked about in a past episode of noting your expectations. To not just assume because he is the man, you the woman, that means your relationship will be like other people’s or what you grew up with or around. Because the idea of the man being responsible for making sure the car has gas is a norm to some and foreign to others. Since some may think, your car, your responsibility.

Sex Isn’t Everything, But Sometimes It’s A Must: Salli, Dondre, Kevin, Melissa

Salli and Dondre, as well as Kevin and Melissa, drop so many gems that it’s ridiculous. And while sex is in the heading, it is actually a minor topic. For with Salli and Dondre, they operate on sex is needed, that kind of intimacy, every few days. Yet, Kevin and Melissa have come to a point where it can’t just be about sex. Reason being, Kevin is a comedian who travels so sex is nice, wonderful, but Melissa needs value and something beyond that. She doesn’t want their relationship to devolve into him being a provider and father to their kids, and she being a mother and wife to him. There has to be more, and sex can’t compensate for that.

Hence her pushing him to be more vulnerable for one of the things we have to note is comedians have to be open to a certain point. It’s how they deliver lines and come with new jokes. So, the way I understand it, Melissa wants something which is just hers or at least she is the first to experience before it is used as part of his act.

Switching to Dondre and Salli, with them both being alphas, we are given insight on how that works. Which, a lot of the time, is about game recognizing game. Salli can be aggressive, and while that works in her profession, it feels like micromanaging to her man. Yet, rather than but heads, he adapts. She gives him a task, and he helps show her it was done. He needs to feel valued and have a place in her life, so he seeks ways to be of service to her and, likely, vice versa. For they have a relationship where, as Amanda Seals says, they don’t need each other to survive or thrive, but want each other to be there for it all.

People Evolve & Learning To Apologize: Mecca, Michael, Kathy, Luther

Mecca and Michael continue to be the kind of couple who raise an eyebrow. Yet, the beauty of this show is that it shows no couple is perfect. Many have simply figured out ways to compensate, deal with flaws, or just accept parts of that person which doesn’t click with them. Not everything has to be shared and loved. Such is the case when it comes to Michael’s take on Mecca’s spirituality. He clearly is not comfortable with her belief in crystals and new age expressions of spirituality, or perhaps old school ways like meditation. Yet, this is his wife and she is no longer the person he met when he married. So he has to adapt. He has to learn how to love this new person the way he did the one before. A topic not exclusive to Mecca and Michael, but most apparent with them.

Alongside that, learning how to apologize is another thing. For as new couple, Kathy and Luther, note, it can’t just be about apologizing. You have to also recognize what was done to push the apology. You can’t just say “I’m sorry” so that, hopefully, you can move on. Sometimes you got to get to the root of the issue which is causing friction. Which is hard for many, uncomfortable, maybe even annoying. Yet, dealing with the symptom and not the disease is how a marriage can die.

Collected Quote(s)

[…] If we’re constantly changing, then I am not in a relationship with the same person. So I gotta figure out who this is now, and now get in a relationship with that person. And that’s where most people get into trouble ’cause they’re like, “You changed.” Well, yes, of course, I’m supposed to.
— Dondre Whitfield

Whatever you’re arguing about, stick to the issue.
— David and Tamela Mann

Review

Highlights

Understand What Works For You Doesn’t Have To Work For Everyone Else

This topic works in many ways, but especially since I feel we, or maybe just me, can be a bit hard on Michael and Mecca’s relationship. Admittedly, there is this vibe she is working more on the marriage than he is, perhaps due to how she treated him before they nearly divorced? Who knows?

However, there is the need to recognize we are seeing them together for maybe 10 or so minutes an episode and we don’t know their dynamic off that couch. Yeah, he seems kind of distant on camera, but he could be far more engaging off camera. Also, while spiritually different, and you could have this perception he is indifferent, it could just be he doesn’t want to trip and say the wrong thing on camera. For, let’s be honest, while this isn’t a reality show, these people are presenting a very personal part of their reality. Be it to teach, to create a sense of community, or simply to celebrate how far they have come.

Which, in the grand scheme of things, may have required compromise not everyone can deal with. Maybe forgiveness you or I aren’t capable of. Yet, that person has found a place in the other’s life where disconnecting might be harder than working through it. Hence some of the, at first strange, but later understandable comments Salli made when it came to her marriage to Dondre.

People Evolve

Whether it is something which seems drastic like Mecca’s change or just change which comes in the form of you being exposed to more of a person than you initially knew, people evolve. Either personally or your perception of them. So, you have to remember the whole concept of “Falling” means you are still in the process of learning more, loving more, discovering things about this person, and rolling with it. Otherwise, you hit the ground.

Love Languages

Between Ricky and Amy, alongside Kevin and Melissa, we are pushed to remember everyone loves different, and you can’t always love from the perspective of what makes you feel loved. You have to adapt to what makes them feel loved. With Ricky and Amy, she feels loved when touched and he through acts of service. When it comes to Kevin and Melissa, she shows love by giving you what you need, not necessarily what you want. Which, when it comes to material things, might be an issue, but as noted above, she shows love by presenting her value. Or rather, staying on theme, through acts of service which show her value to you, the relationship, and her value that she knows she has as a person and is not only able but willing to give.

How Big Communication Is

Kathy Drayton and Luther Freeman talking about how they apologize and communicate. — Kathy Drayton and Luther Freeman

To sum up nearly everything said this episode, what all relationships, be it friends or marriages need, is a healthy way to communicate. As Amy said, you got to remember there is friendship at the base of any relationship and sometimes you need to set aside the expectations of a husband, wife, the man or woman, and talk simply as friends. You feel hurt in some kind of way, you should be able to talk to me. If you are upset about this or that, have I not worked and earned the title of best friend? Come to me.

Heck, if you don’t understand something about me, how I’m changing or evolving, don’t confront me, or ignore what I’m doing, ask. You can’t share your life with a stranger. People can acquire roles but if the people themselves don’t feel fulfilled, loved, and are able to share that, what is an adjective? For if a verb isn’t part of that, you can have the title of wife or husband, but what does it really mean?